From my uninitiated place, it seems that being a parent isn’t easy. You get advice from everyone, especially when not asked for.
But it’s not only those around you. Each specialist has different ideas and a different strategy, and every other option is demonised. For example, this article about babies crying. It demonises the process of controlled crying, which many parents use to get their children into a sleep routine.
Sleep is crucial for development and health, so if nothing else is working for you, this technique is often recommended. I don’t disagree that children don’t need comfort but demonsing parents using a routine supported by many specialists is irresponsible. Also, in my personal opinion, the article misleads the audience by quoting articles that do not represent a baby crying for a short time (excessive distress for example).
Author/blogger Kerri Sackville posted on this very topic; or more accurately, on mothers being sick of accused of being against or at war with other mothers. But read some of the comments; judgement is alive and well on the MammaMia blog.
What do you think Splatters? Are we judgemental of mothers, or in the case of some of us, other mothers and their choices? Is this just media beat-up? Have you seen it in action?
From my limited and unscientific observations…
It starts as soon as a woman announces she’s pregnant. Some people take pregnancy & parenthood as a license to invade someone’s space. Complete strangers want to touch a pregnant woman’s belly. Or they’ll ask a question with no other goal than to:
A) Get validation of their own parenting techniques.
B) Take the opportunity to espouse their obvious wisdom on the uninitiated.
“Oh my god, did you see Becky? She had a glass of wine with dinner. She’s going to turn that baby into an alcoholic before it’s even born.”
“Are you going to breast feed? Oh, you should.”
“I didn’t vaccinate my babies, and if you don’t want an autistic kid you should listen to me.”
“Are you co-sleeping? Oh me too! Isn’t it wonderful, and here’s all my reasons why!”
I have my way of doing things, you have yours. If you prefer your way and I prefer mine, and we’re both getting desired results, why’s there a problem?
But if I can’t seem to get the results I desire, and *I* ask for advice and input, feel free to share.
$.02
It is amazing how so few people are willing to adopt that point of view.
Well I think that pretty much sums everything up right there with that comment!
Yes, I think so, too.
Co-sleeping is interesting. Most sleep researchers suggest it is not a good idea from coroner’s reports that there are more deaths in the parental bed, for reasons like soft furnishings and too tired parents accidentally smothering the baby. But there’s a much more positive view of it in the community.
Co-sleeping is irresponsible and leads to a higher increase in infant death. It is not a different parenting technique. I know first hand how awful the end result of an infant dying because a parent made a stupid decision to co-sleep (and not from rolling onto them either. The sleeping environment is extremely unhealthy). Its awful.
Warning: generalisations to follow. These comments are in no way meant to represent every single woman who has ever had a baby and these comments reflect my own opinions only. I have not had children and I don’t intend to.
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More than just about anything else, for some women, it seems that having one baby seems to make them experts on the whole topic of babies and child rearing. Suddenly, as soon as they are pregnant, they are experts on everything to do with having babies and won’t hesitate to comment, judge or condemn other women for making different parenting choices. I don’t understand this. One person having one baby is not a representative sample. If I’d ever had a baby, I would consider myself to be an expert on one thing; me having had one baby. I wouldn’t presume to know exactly what it was like for another woman. I might tell my story, if asked, or offer some advice, if asked, but I certainly wouldn’t assume that any woman who made different choices from me was automatically doing the wrong thing.
I don’t know why this is such a big issue. I don’t know why women are so eager to offer judgement and condemnation or why others feel the need to so vociferously defend their own choices. Is it that there is so much differing literature and opinion out there that women are not confident in the choices that they make for their pregnancies and children? Why do these mothers care so much what other people – people who don’t know them and who they don’t know and who may merely be a pseudonym on some blog – think of them?
From my work in sleep research, I do know there is differing opinion between sleep specialists and researchers and maternal health nurses. But it seems that one side will have the majority of opinion and perhaps the other side will be pushing their opinion more visibly.
But you will have people that ignore guidelines, which were put in place for a reason based on good research. Like placing babies on their tummy to sleep especially when small. Largest risk factor for SIDS as we know it. Still, a former colleague who worked in the area was told that by her nurse.
The Mummy Wars are probably real. But I think people carry on like this on most topics. Pregnancy and babies sort of stick out and draw attention.
I work some days with a Level 7 vegan (won’t eat anything that casts a shadow) and he takes every possible opportunity to tell me how I should be eating. My usual response is to look interested and nod my head occasionally whilst simultaneously downing a larger bottle of Coke Zero.
Remember bacon fixes everything. It also casts no shadow and probably beats up Chuck Norris.
You biatches should have been at my house on the weekend!
We had a Canadian themed going away party and the bacon was everywhere and with everything!
Bacon With: Pancakes, waffles, holumi, brown sugar (grilled and ever so delish), ice cream, maple syrup
the list goes on!
*sigh*
I’ll be in my bunk.
This is why I know we’ll be together forever Amy.
I just drooled on my shoe….
Can I just throw out there that this includes some dads as well? They seem to be forgotten in this ongoing media beat up and are presumed to be out clubbing mammoths to drag back to the cave or are constantly portrayed as bemused and useless when it comes to anything to do with their children. Granted a bunch of dads probably fit this description but a lot more of them actually do have an active role in their child’s upbringing. There are a few (and I could name some that I know IRL, but I’m not that sort of bird) that are just as judgemental as those mums in the media beat up.
Having said that confused ramble, Mrs P and I (except in cases of morbid curiosity) make a point of switching off any ‘news’ reports like this. Parenting is tricky enough without everyone telling you you’re wrong.
Everyone will do things differently. We politely listen to everything we get told, filter out the crap, polish up the gems and then do what we think is best based on what information we have. I will tell anyone who wants to demonise us for this (including my own family on occasion) exactly what they can do with their opinions.
Babies aren’t born completely blank slates either. They all have their own tiny personalities from day one and what works for one most definitely won’t work for all.
Unless what a parent is doing is approaching child abuse (I’m looking at all of you with those teeny-weenie Collingwood jumpers) then leave them alone.
You have an excellent point, PP. I agree & understand that fathers still get bombarded with parenting “advice”, but I would guess, not as much as mothers do.
However I will also add that from the fathers I have observed, they seem to have more confidence than their wife/partner, or don’t care as much what other people think of their disciplinary methods, and the kids react well to that solidarity. They also tend not to be as fussy as the mothers about the mess kids get into, and so the kids enjoy themselves more.
I think this is more the point. I can vouch for a complete lack of confidence and second-guess myself on just about everything I do whilst tossing up all the advice fired at me, but once it’s done, people can go jump.
I completely agree Plucker, that dads are left out in this equation.
But the media beat-up seems squarely aimed at mothers. Whether this is as AlexKJ says, and it’s to do with mothers having less confidence in their innate abilities or whether women are more judgemental, I don’t know.
Again the disclaimer – I don’t have kids, but have been around them & looked after them for some 30 years. Generalisations follow.
I think the biggest factor in this is that the last few generations of families don’t all live together, or in close proximity, as happened in the past. Therefore the hands-on experience with kids before becoming a parent yourself, and the passing down of wisdom from one generation to the next, doesn’t happen anywhere near as often. Some new parents have the confidence to trust their own instincts, and most do a fine job. But increasingly new parents are bombarded with so much information from so many different sources that they doubt themselves. My guess is that it is these parents who are on the blogs to find information, and once they make a decision, are trying to find reassurance that they have made the right decision. But of course most of the others on these blogs are also trying to do the same thing, so I would say that in these arenas, the Mummy Wars are real, because the Mummies allow themselves to be drawn into it. I have read a couple of the blogs such as Mamma Mia from time to time, and I am shocked at how judgemental some people can be.
I will echo Ghrys & H in saying that quite often there is no right or wrong, just differences, and if it works, why is it a problem to anyone else?
Me too AlexKJ. Kerri Sackville’s article is just that sort. Which was calling for media to stop beating it up. How does it help anyone?
Life is too short to sit around judging others is my philosophy, I try when I can to stop the mummy wars when they happen around me. The best thing we can do is opt out of them because like any debate the reason people enter into it etc are many and varied and have almost nothing really to do with helping other people.
I remember Pokey talking about the unasked for opinion ages ago and how they are often unwelcome, parenting advice strikes me as something similar.
I had a post planned on this topic (well, a slight tangent to it anyway). I’m sick and my head is spinning and I don’t think you’ll get a post from me this week so I guess I should just throw the basic idea in here and see what you make of it.
As Smoph says, the Mummy Wars are on. Opinions are wildly variant and firmly held. Demonisation of ‘non-believers’ is rife and at times vicious.
I have three daughters, all of whom have taken quite different approaches to bringing up the five grandsons involved, especially in relation to discipline and protection. Two of them are quite critical of each other (to us, not yet openly to each other) and the third just shrugs her shoulders and gets on with things. I wouldn’t say any of them are wrong, although I do see some problems with some of their approaches. I am of the opinion that the children will survive regardless.
Now, here’s the thing: every one of those kids knows he is loved and cherished. Every one of them is comfortable going to his parents, even if he has screwed up in some way. Each one of them runs to the door to greet his parents when they come home from work (rather than feeling it necessary to bolt out the back door as I did) and is thrilled to see them.
That, surely, is the proper starting point and all else can flow from there?
Absolutely, H. Love, trust & respect is the start of everything else.
One set of parents I know have chosen a disciplinary method I disagree with because I can see it is not working, but I would never say anything as it is not my place – it is their choice how they raise their kids, and the most important thing, as you say, is that those kids are loved & they know it, and they choose to spend time with their parents even when they have a choice not to. As long as they have that, there is still a chance for those kids to grow up to be well-adjusted contributing members of society. In the meantime we just have to grit our teeth and smile…
Parents parent and so long as it isn’t abusive that who gives a flying fuck what technique they use? I am all for education about different ways to parent, my Mum is an educator in that area, but when Mums start dissing each other (which if you ask me, places like MammaMia seem to be a gateway for) it gets ridiculous. Leave people be and do their own thing. There are enough pressures in the world with this one being added to it!
When I have kids I plan on buying my kid a tshirt that reads: ‘My Mum didn’t ask for your opinion!’
Love it!
Seriously good idea Poppit. You should design it and put it on tshirt sites right now!
Proceeds to go to the Splaton Bacon Fund in preparation for your next bacon-fueled Canadian night.
Before I post, I’ll just say I agree with the comments of Ghrys, PP, Harls & Poppit and haven’t got much to add in that department.
I have to admit I became quite judgemental when I saw a Mum-to-be smoking a cigarette the other day. The prevailing thought was “she’s doing damage to her unborn child! How can she smoke whilst pregnant?”, amongst others.
Now I’m not a parent (and I’m not sure I want to/will ever be), but I do think parents these days are bombarded with so much “advice” that they probably feel like tearing their hair out and wanting to run away to the circus with their children, just so they can escape the noise. I sure as hell would feel like that if I were a Mum right now. I guess it’s one of the reasons why I’m unsure about having children – it’d only heighten my anxieties and the world alone does that enough already.
There is being judgemental about technique and then there is being judgemental about sheer stupidity. Smoking, as everyone knows, is dangerous to an unborn child (or a born child…or anyone who has lungs for that matter). I have the same issue with women who drink while they are pregnant – We are educated enough to know that it is unhealthy for a baby to be consuming alcohol.
In large, regular amounts this is definitely true. Whether an occasional glass of wine is hurtful, the research is still out on. But many mothers go off alcohol/caffeine when pregnant because their bodies don’t want it.
Smoking and drugs makes me angry on the babies behalf. Videos should be shown of babies “coming down” from their mother’s use.
RE smoking – I’m sure any good GP would educate their pregnant patient on this issue and work with them to make a plan. Mum needs to be healthy as well and that might mean weaning herself to break the addiction. Two ladies I’ve known were smokers before falling pregnant and neither went cold turkey when they quit but did work with their doctors to make it happen. When you saw that mum-to-be, Seashells, that might’ve been the one cigarette for the day that she is having, which is better than the 20 a day she might’ve been having before she fell pregnant.
You make a good point lovely Loller. Which is why this demonising and judgement is unhealthy for us as a society as a whole. Addictions are hard to break and the mums you mentioned obviously want to put their babies first.
The pregnant mothers I have seen with cigarette in one hand, full ash tray in front, and wine/beer etc. in the other hand make me sad though.
Bravo. See I just have the HUGEST issue with people judging others in this fashion. When I was pregnant with the eldest child, I was a smoker, as was my husband. I tried like buggery to quit – he didn’t. He lasted 3 hours
. I saw my Dr as I was in such a state about trying to give up for the baby’s sake and yet living with a smoker. My Dr told me I could have 5 a day and that it wouldn’t cross the baby’s bloodstream. So I did. I had my 5, often less a day. Then ironically, the DAY I gave birth I gave up. I was SO enamoured with my tiny little human that I didn’t want to smoke. So exactly what Loller said – don’t you dare judge that woman for having a cigarette. You don’t walk in her shoes.
For the record – I gave up smoking BEFORE I conceived my youngest – and she is the only one of my three to have asthma!
Parenting techniques are like religions. Everyone wants to tell you about theirs without hearing about yours.
As a young mum who had zero experience and knowledge about babies before falling pregnant, I can say that for myself it is, at times, crippling to be bombarded with so many righteous opinions and information.
Smoph, the article you linked at the beginning of your post? I couldn’t read it all the way through. It just screamed out “Ohho, the folly of the ‘experts’ in our past! Now I am here and I can tell you without a doubt that all that is bollocks and you are going to break your child unless you listen to me!” In another 130 years someone will write an article about THAT article and it will all be the same; “how dumb were we, LOL, luckily now we know better!”
I’m getting to the point where I try to be like the Pluckers and just shut out anything like this, but it’s a hard road to travel because there are things that I DO need to know and learn in order for my child to be safe and healthy.
I know when my son is hungry, or wet/dirty, or in pain, or frightened, and I always go to him when that’s the case. If he’s yelling because he doesn’t want to go to sleep because he knows we’re in the living room having fun without him, and someone tries to tell me off for that, they can shove off. And I had to edit that several times to make it family friendly
Careful. We’ll get the Mummy police on to you.
I won’t hold back the non-family-friendly language on them
It’s absolutely hat to go it alone and we’d never try to. There are plenty of good things that we need to know but, like any good scientist, we’re ready to try or alter most things if there is some sort of basis to it beyond “This worked for us so you HAVE to do it or you’re an evil Nazi ichor-dripping monster from the netherhells.”
“It’s Absolutely Hat” is the name of my next band.
I’m guessing “Evil Nazi Ichor-Dripping Monster (From the Netherhells)” will be your first single?
And I’m going to be the roadie. The Assistant Hat, or “Ass.Hat” for short.
Ok ok. I hate the Mummy Wars with a passion. I’ve responded to some of the aforementioned Mummy Wars blogs and have to laugh at the trolls and the haters and the radical mothering terrorists et al. As most of you know, I have 3 cherubs, ranging between 7 and 20. Now even during this expanse of years the ‘rules’ have changed – things I did for the first as ‘de rigeur’ are now frowned upon as best practice.
What makes me saddest is the need to judge at all. Why is it the very moment some women join this ‘inner sanctum’ of motherhood they feel the need to trumpet their very own experience/belief/process/doctrine/mantra to each and every other mother? I also have to say that I find it a little offputting when some non-mums judge vociferously. Now before you arc up – I’d never advise a man how to pee standing up…
Recently I was hugely fortunate enough to be asked to assist with a girlfriend’s labour. She is young enough to be my daughter, and I felt such a wonderful responsibility to help and support her in the birthing method she chose for herself. I offered her my friendship, the benefit of my experiences, the understanding of the lack of control, the empathy of the pain and the unknown, and encouragement (and even a bit of ‘shut up and use the gas’ when it was needed). Since she has had her beautiful boy, I am very conscious of offering advice only if she asks for it or feels that she is out of her depth.
All I offer to other mums around me now is – ‘Listen to everything, but only hear what you need’ and ‘Nobody has ever had YOUR baby before’. Live and let live.
Great advice.