Now that it’s been confirmed that Ghryswald is coming back to settle here, it’s time to fill him in on all the important stuff. The things we Australians know from oral history, and help us survive day to day life down under with relatively few scars to show for it.
Here’s a few to kick us off:
Drop Bears (Thylarctos plummetus):
They’re pretty cunning creatures, so you’ve got to keep a look out anytime you’re in wooded areas. However, there’s a few tell-tale signs when they’re about – until you learn to avoid them, a fairly solid hat of bike helmet is essential.
Bunyips:
Unlike drop bears, you’ll be fairly safe from these in Queensland – they generally avoid heavily populated areas; that said, Queensland seems to be getting a lot of floods in recent years, so they may be washed out of their normal habitat and closer to the coast. They’re likely more scared of you than you are of them.
The letter ‘U’:
You may need to start using it in some words.
Vegemite:
Part of the citizenship exam nowadays is that they’ll offer you a slice of Vegemite toast. You’ll be required to eat it, enjoy it, and extol its virtues to any foreigners.
There’s a few ones to start us off. What else will Ghrys need to know?
Tweet this!
Well we’ve covered all of these on the blog before when Ghryswald came here for his visits. He wasn’t that impressed or unimpressed with Vegemite actually. I think he can take it or leave it. If I ever move to the USA with him, I will *definitely* be taking it
.
I had an American friend compare the texture of Vegemite to axle grease. He didn’t mind the taste though.
You can get those massive tubs now. I think those are for the ex-pats!
Or for really big axles.
you should be able to get him over the line with a cheezymite scroll or a cheese and vegemite souffle (I was introduced to these once courtesy of a very drunk chef in a ski resort where I used to work)…
Honestly, I can always lick the bottom of the barrel after brewing a few gallons of beer.
Waste not want not.
Wear sunscreen outdoors. Don’t forget to reapply.
I’m trying to think of more but now I’m craving Vegemite and cheese on toast. BBL
This, times A BILLION.
Or learn to only come out at night…
But that’s when the Bunyips hunt…
Soon as I find a sunscreen without nano-particles in it, I’ll do so.
Until then, hat, sleeves, and pay attention to how long I’ve been in the sun.
I did have a weeding accident though. Didn’t notice that my shirt had come untucked. I had a tramp-stamp sunburn. I think it’s just about faded. Have to check when I shower tomorrow. {wink}
That’s very un-Australian of you.
Cane toads. Saw my first one up close last night – hideous bastards! Apparently, the BEST way to kill them, according to my aunt, is to run around the garden at night with a torch and a spray bottle of a homemade Dettol and bleach solution and spray them until they jump away. No, seriously, this is what she was doing, and my mum went out later and had a go too…
Also, shonky natropaths. The live analysis blood test was interesting at least, and seemed to have some kind of scientific basis (until I came home and googled it), but the Vegatest didn’t fool me at all. I commented before he started that the machine looked like the ones from the Church of Scientology and yeah, it ‘proved’ about as much. I could tell just by watching him that the ‘levels’ were moving up and down solely by how hard he pressed the pen tester thingy against my thumb (or ‘gland’, he called it). I was fascinated watching him use it to ‘diagnose’ all these prior conditions that were combining to cause my chronic fatigue, including apparently taking too many antibiotics as a child, my body producing too many ‘free radicals’ and even an old, undiagnosed bout of toxoplasmosis I’d gotten from my cats. Wow, I tell ya. And if I had known that the blood test was as equally full of shit I would have walked out right there.
I was recommended a bunch of potions that would help cure me (only available through natropaths like him of course, not your normal health food store) which I declined to purchase immediately, saying that I wanted to research them first and would source them in Melbourne through the Melbourne natropath he is supposed to email me contact details for. I’ve not yet looked these potions up, I got home and googled ‘Vegatest’ and any hope I had that the potions might actually work for me quickly diminished.
The whole sad fact of the matter is, I had such high hopes about this guy. I think that natural and/or herbal medicines can be a great supplement to pharmaceuticals if they work. And some DO work, like aromatheraphy can help you relax or perk up a bit, aloe vera is a great burn cream (trust me on this one!) and the adzuki beans I buy from the nut shop and grind into powder are a much better exfoliant than anything I’ve found on the shelf. I know we’ve discussed it on this blog before – and I agree with Tim Minchin’s “There’s a word for natural medicine that works – it’s called medicine.”. I figured that at least some of what the guy would say I would disagree with, but I was hoping for more than what turned out to be little but Diagnostic Theatre in the end.
So yesterday was kind of like bizarro-world… welcome home, Ghryswald! :]
That is the way my Dad kills them.
I think part of the Queensland way is to learn to practice your golf/cricket swing on them.
Don’t forget about your aim with the wheels of your car!
Mr Coaster is fond of the golf club method. My brother used an air rifle when we were kids.
Sorry the naturopath turned out to be less useful than you’d hoped.
how have what have you found to be the best way to manage chronic fatigue since then? Scoobette is dealing with this as well
Sleep, and lots of it
. Doing as much as possible during those days when I’ve actually got enough energy to do stuff. Resting a couple of days before a big event (like travelling into the city) and knowing the subsequent couple of days are written off as well. Doing whatever the hell helps you personally, because it seems that everyone is helped by different things.
Sometimes what helps the next day is if I have a couple of glasses of alcohol with food the night before. I don’t know if the booze helps me sleep better that night or if the alcohol is helping to kill off some sort of unknown bug or even if it’s some antioxidant in the original unfermented fruit (grapes, juniper berry, honeydew melon etc). And it doesn’t always work, even with the same drinks another time.
Something that’s been recommended to me by other sufferers that helped them but not me was taking the recommended daily dose of a powdered magnesium supplement, or an overdose (discovered accidently) of a vitamin c powder supplement (she was taking 1tsp a day instead of 1/4 tsp). Maybe one of those would help Scoobette.
Oh Guylian,
So terribly sorry that the Naturopath was unhelpful.
I do know of one in QLD who is good, very $$$ though, but they managed to help me with a lot of things.
this is their website. It says mainly for fertility but Mum has chronic fatigue and they really helped her as well.
Worth a look at for you at least, they get you to do proper blood tests, look into your medical history and diet etc. Very thorough!
Ooh! I had a similar experience with an iridologist. Apparently when I saw him in my very early twenties he diagnosed I would have all manner of fertility issues as there was a ‘spot’ on my ovaries. Yeah right – Fertile Myrtle here….
And he recommended scads of bottled crap- again only available through him. Such complete shite.
I saw plenty of cane toads while on my daily walk.
In their desired state too… Squished and drying in the sun.
As for naturopaths…
They too should be squished and dried, naturally, by the sun.
That said, there’s a proportion of people whom will benefit from these treatments, and swear by them.
There’s a term for this, too: “placebo effect”
Yeah, which is likely what’s happening with the friend of my aunt who thinks this guy is great.
You already have the grasp of cricket, so you’re one step ahead Ghryswald!
But you need to know what football means. I am sure Pokey has thoroughly educated you on AFL, the great southern game, but to survive in Queensland, you will need to pick up the basics of NRL too. Also, I am not sure how well you tolerate beer, but starting to acquire some knowledge is good. You need to be proud of XXXX but know it tastes like pig swill and pick something else every time.
Also, weather complaints. Have a few choice phrases up your sleeve and you’re in!
Just to elaborate on a few of these:
AFL:
Definitely need a good awareness of it even if you’re up north. Plus be warned that if you start barracking for Collingwood the government can and will legally deport you. The reason there is no outcry over this against the background of all the other immigration headlines you hear is because everyone in the country supports it.
Beer:
XXXX is for those who can’t spell ‘Beer’ and who need something fizzy and cold when it’s 900 degrees outside with the humidity of the bottom of a lake. There are more beer varieties than people in this wide brown land so shop around and find something you like, then keep shopping and find more. By the way, there is a reason we ship all the Fosters overseas.
Weather:
The official yardstick of whether you’ve been naturalised or not is when you watch a storm come in over the countryside and get This Is Australia stuck in your head. And they’re cyclones rather than hurricanes.
On beer; don’t buy into state vs state arguments around the quality of the draught lagers. They are all the same essentially. A bitter, tasteless larger that seems to never have seen hops or malt. XXXX = Tooweys New = VB = Cartlon Draught.
Best to avoid.
I’d reccommend aiming for James Squire and above. The more obscure and boutique the better. If it was brewed in a shed, on top of a mountain, near a winery, in country Victoria only producing 20 bottles a year; then you are right to proceed.
James Boags is my call.
Little Creatures.
I’m enjoying a Beezneez right now.
I’m quite tolerant of beer. And I can, in a pinch, drink crappy beer. Hello? American! We cornered the market on crappy beer almost as soon as the first keg was tapped over here.
I am, I must confess, more of a cider person. Kopparberg Elderflower & Lime is my current favorite.
As for NRL, I think I can fake it if I have to, but really how will I fit any work in when I still have to support my Bruins, Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics too?
I have to say I am also a cider person but I cannot stand the Elderflower and Lime Kopparberg Cider… ick! I do love the Rekorderlig Winter Cider(apple, cinammon and vanilla) and also the Apple Blackcurrant one they bought out here a couple of months ago.
Have you not read any of Ghryswald’s posts before?
I am sure that if he ever needs a blood transfusion, the doctor will just tap a keg.
Australia + beer = WRONG
Australia = beer = RIGHT
* The first Eurpoean settlers in Australia drank more alcohol per person than any other community in the recorded history of mankind.
* Australian mines (that account for around 15% of GRP), cover 0.02% of Australia’s land mass. More land is occupied by pubs.
* In 1954 Bob Hawke made it into the Guinness Record Book: he sculled 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds. Bob Hawke went on to become the Prime Minister of Australia.
Cheers
Thongs:
This is footwear – not underwear. Often referred to as ‘pluggas’ or the more up market ‘double pluggas’. These are distinctive white with either black or blue rubber thongs sold at K-mart.
Beer sizes:
This is a tough one. I find this wiki page helpful, particularly the table.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beer_in_Australia
You will bring shame on yourself and your drinking companions if you use the wrong term. For example, ordering a ‘pot of gold’ in NSW will be met a derisive snear and snide comment ‘bloody cane toad’.
Regional Dialects:
There is much diversity between regions within Australia in the pronounciation of different words and usage of different phrases. Daaance/dunce (dance, plaaaant/plunt (plant).
As a rule, the further you are from a Capital city the slower people talk. (rule does not apply in Darwin).
Small Red Sausages:
Sold in woolies (local supermarket) deli section. Delicous, but go by a variety of different names: ‘cocktail frankfurts’ ‘cheerios’ ‘little boys’. Much confusion in this area – particularly if you are looknig for the popular american breakfast cereal and end up with a bowl of milk covered little red sasuages.
Pie:
Pie is a pastry covered, meat filled snack consumed at sporting events. It is not pizza.
Tipping:
Don’t. You’ll make the rest of look like even cheaper bastards. (note: it is ok to call some a bastard if you smile while doing it. e.g ‘you dodgy bastard’ is a term of endearment. See swearing below.
Swearing:
Bloody is not a swear word. Swearing is socially acceptable provided you avoid the “c” word(even that isn’t considered as harsh as in the the states). In accordance with the dialect rules above, the further you are from a capital city the more socially acceptable it is to swear.
Wife Beater:
This is an item of clothing popularised by “bogans” (see below). Typically a blue cotton singlet. When teamed with ‘stubbies’ or ‘ruggers’ shorts (thick cotton shorts cut to a length well above the knee), and ‘pluggas’ it forms the national costume/dress.
Bogans:
Typically found in the outer suburbs of major cities. Similar to redknecks in the states, but not so much country folk. A whole post could be used to describe them. Best to avoid.
Yum Cheerios! With tomato sauce!
I’m a bogan with an education. Shh.
Enviro guy – if I didnt already have enough children, I’d want to have yours ;P
Cow-tipping:
Do.
Tipping: Noted over the 6mo I was in country and punctuated by the “sticker shock” when Pokeybun and I had lunch my very first time in Australia. I thought “my god, $30 for chicken satay? That’s like $3.50 in the States!”
And the closer you are to a construction site.
Phrases:
“Fark, mate it’s dry as a dead dingo’s donger” – used to describe something that is very dry. A dingo is a native wild dog, and donger is it’s penis. Hence, a dead dingo has a very dry penis.
“Flat out like a lizard drinking” – used to describe how busy you are. i.e
1. “Busy mate?”
2. “Flat out like a lizard drinking”
1. “My that is busy”
A play on words involving the image of a lizard that physically stretches itself to literally drink water from a pond.
There have been a bunch of ‘English-Australian’ dictionaries bandied around over time, but I just discovered the official Uncyclopedia one, which was a bit of fun.
Buggar, I tried to look at your link but apparently it is in breach of works code of business conduct!
Not enough like for that link
I’ve been told I sound Canadian. Granted, our biggest state is a mere 3 hours drive away, so that could be it.
1: Whaddya know?
2: Nothin’.
It is essential you respond in this way. Aussies are truly modest and humble people and don’t like to make others feel bad due to their inferior knowledge about Stuff.
“A wing-wang for a goose’s bridle”.
It doesn’t matter what you’re creating, if someone (especially a kid) asks “what are you making?” this is the response you can give.
Never, however, use “throw another shrimp on the barbie”. We don’t call prawns shrimp.
Prawns … I’m still working on that one.
Oh, but don’t go calling a skinny, wimpy guy a prawn as a substitute for shrimp. A prawn is a VERY different thing, referring to (correct me if I’m wrong, boys) a woman with a nice body but not pretty face. Sometimes also a “paper bag job” (as that is what you would out on her face! Disgusting pigs some men can be!).
Yep – in that context prawn = butterface
Just to clarify, there’s the ‘Double bagger’ where you also put a bag on your head just in case hers comes off.
And don’t forget BOBFOC – Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
My fave:
It’s black as a dogs guts out there – means it looks like it’s going to rain.
“What is this? Bush week?”
An imagined or symbolic time when assumedly unsophisticated people from the bush come to the city, likely to be preyed on by tricksters there. Used when someone is trying to “pull the wool over your eyes”.
We have the same thing. It’s called Sunday at WalMart.
I got attacked by a bunyip when I was five (turned out to be a feral pig) but you know you are aussie when as a five year old you tell the doctore stitching you back up a bunyip bit you…
Aussies use the words ‘yeah’ and ‘no’ to mean the same thing in conversation. As in:
‘You goin’ to the pub thursdy?’
‘Yeah. Nah. Think the missus has zumba’
I had to explain to my Canadian mates what I mean when I say yeah No.
Best explanation was that the yeah is acknowledging that I understood the question and the no was the answer.
We like to add the word ‘but’ to the end of sentences. We don’t intend to finish the sentence.
“It’s cold, but.”
“It’s nice, but.”
I had to explain that one to some Mexican exchange students when they kept asking “BUT WHAT?!”
And thongs as shoes not as underwear is something that I didn’t really think about much… until I said I couldn’t wait until it was warm enough to wear my thongs again whilst eating lunch with a table full of Finns… I don’t think I have ever seen so many shocked looks of disbelief at once. All movement ceased while they turned to stare and comprehend what I had said. Woops!
Thongs vs thong is way too awkward to take up with a group of 30 – 40 year old exchange students.
Most of us use metric.
Republican doesn’t mean anti abortion/right wing.
Democrat doesn’t necessarily mean democratic agenda.
Football is not footy.
Cricket is not a gentleman’s game.
Driver’s license does not mean you are capable of driving.
Fuck and shit are adjectives, not curse words.
Too few clothes (in QLD) means naked.
Jesus is important to some but he doesn’t determine political viability. (hopefully)
Most of us don’t have hand guns and it is earned, not an unalienable right.
We like Canadians. (Do we???)
We shoot and eat Kangaroos.
Everything costs a fucking bomb.
Our internet connections suck.
We drive on the left side of the road and it is “right”.
Our animals are free of rabies.
No-one famous visits us because we are too far away.
We may be too far away to worry about except for SE Asia who think that’s a good thing.
We are kinda funny because we are in the middle of SE Asia and we don’t care.
Our dollar has completely excluded our export market, but we are cool about it because we can get a book for a couple of bucks cheaper.